A Prayer

There is a prayer I wrote a couple years ago. Its stuck to my fridge between two Carl Weathers magnets. I wasn’t raised with much liturgy so its the only prayer I’ve ever written. Its called “Grace Find Me Today”.

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I wrote it in 2011 after a long nasty series of unfortunate life events had left me in a bit of a bad spot – the lines between reality and madness had begun to blur and I needed a mantra to repeat to keep myself sane. In a state of grief my body had firmly decided to let go of normal occupations like sleeping and eating. I found myself losing time and my short-term memory was blurry at best. My skin hurt all the time.

The worse part was I was so angry with myself. Angry for not being able to cope, and so I needed grace. Grace for my failures. I have been the arse who always looked down on people who were self-pitying and had a “the world’s against me” chip on their shoulder, and now here I was … the muttering fool losing my mind and blaming everyone – if I wasn’t careful I was going to end up at the traffic lights in some scum-covered jeans and an old parka, feasting on fag-ends, with a cardboard sign reading: “The end is nigh!”. I could feel it coming.

So, this is my wee mantra I wrote. Its not much and its a bit trite, but it was a floating branch to a drowning man (or in this case woman).

Healing Takes Time

Grace find me today,

Grace for my failure,

Grace for forgiveness,

Grace for unconditional love

Christ’s Grace

Empowering presence

Grace to let go, when I can’t

When I’m not strong enough to control my mind or emotions

Find me grace

Grace to be thankful for all I have – to see my blessings

Grace find me today and fill me

Amen

I would pray it and say it. I even wrote music to it and sang it till it made my kids really annoyed. Even Darren when he came to live with us he was like “what is that song?”

The last couple days a wave of past-pain has reared its ugly head and I’ve been trying to act like it wasn’t there. Trying all my techniques to ignore. Then last night I saw my wee grace prayer on the fridge. Its been there so long I forgot about it. So I prayed it then, and again this morning when I woke up. I’m thankful for it.

In a couple months the band and I will be releasing a new album: “Back to Life: The Full Story.” This collection of songs chronicles my series of nasty unfortunate events, and the subsequent, and quite unexpected reprise from insanity that I found. So … looking forward to that. In the mean time I’ll keep saying my mantra.

Here now, to cheer your day,  is a picture of my 15 year old son at his “Hobbit” birthday party last night where he received (as asked for) a helmet, and Lord of the Rings Witch King Sword. Generation geek-tastic you have outdone yourselves again!

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3 thoughts on “A Prayer”

  1. Beautiful Esther. I needed this today. I too am heartbroken today with the recent tragedy of a friend. Waves of rage and grief find their way yet again to the shores of grace. Love your heart, love your words.

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