In the beginning of his splendid novel “A Series of Unfortunate Events” Lemony Snicket advises his readers, “If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you’d be better off reading some other book.”
This morning my husband told me to update my blog, and so here goes, but I will warn you readers this ain’t no happy story – its a hairy, scary blog update detailing pain, bitterness, anger and the slime you generally only find hidden at the bottom of a yucky person’s soul. So, consider yourself warned and go read a blog about fluffy bunnies, redemptive stories, and quirky children who say funny things at the dinner table. Or read on ….
This is me at 21, just one week before I got married. You can’t really tell from the picture, but at this point I’d been through a rough few years. As a teenager I was wild and out of control. If you could smoke it, drink it, or snort it, then I did. That kind of behavior put me in some dangerous situations, and inevitably abuse and hurt followed.
Fortunately, I burned out on bad behavior by 18, but I limped into my twenties with a huge chip on my shoulder and a determination that I would never be hurt again. “Wounded Animal” syndrome I call it. “Touch me and I’ll bite your finger off”. I was moody, distant and generally a bitch to anyone who offended me in the slightest. When God handed out the “fight or flight” hormone he forgot the “flight” part for me. When my feelings got hurt I was like a cat with a sore paw – you might just wanna help the poor beast, but it’ll likely claw your eyeballs out.
The video below is of a song called “Died in America”. Its the story of how a loving God, a loving husband, some loving friends, and a crappy few years wore down the spikey, angry, edgy Esther and made her an easier person to be around.
I’m writing this update today because the last few years have been shitty and I frankly got the crap kicked out of me by life. The old, spikey, mean, wounded cat raises her ugly head again except now I’m older, so I’m more like a wounded dragon. Look at me wrong and I’ll breathe fire and leave you looking like a burnt out matchstick.
This person inside me scares me – I hope God can deal with her faster this time. I hope for redemption to come quickly. I hope for a forgiving husband and friends who forget easily. I hope to forgive myself and to be an easier person to live with shortly. In the mean time I hope for grace. As Brennan Manning says: “It is grace that gives us the grace to take hold of grace.”